The next morning I was woken up by a knock on my door. I answered it and it was Kei! I was still in my pajamas too. I told him to hang on and I closed the door. I looked at the clock and it was only 6:00 in the morning! I got dressed into really cute sweatpants and a light pink tank top with a zip-up hoddie. Now that I was always going to be hanging around with Kei I had to look good all the time.
I walked out and said “Sorry bout that. I forgot to set my alarm.”
“That’s OK. I kinda got up late myself,” Kei said.
If this is late then I don’t want to know how early I really have to get up. I followed Kei to the gym. He stopped me at the treadmill. I hopped on and he started the machine. I jogged on it for about 40 minutes. Kei sped up the treadmill and I think I was about to faint. I hoped off and the treadmill and it kept running. Kei pulled out the red tag thing.
“Why did you stop running?” he asked.
“Well, I was about to freaking faint!” I said through my loss of breath.
“I don’t own a treadmill at my house and I don’t know about you but I don’t have one I could run on every day.” I tried to catch my breath and pull myself together again.
“Well your gonna have to get used to it because you have to run every day to get into shape,” Kei said. Was he calling me fat? How rude!
Oh great! I’m going to have to suffer every single day of my modeling career. But I’m with Kei and Hiro. That’s an advantage I can live with. Kei gave me a break so we walked through some double doors and we were back in the dressing room. Kei walked me over to the swim suites.
“Here, try one on and come out side to the pool so you can work on your tan. We don’t approve of fake tans. I’ll be waiting outside,” Kei said
“Okay,” I said to him with a little hesitation.
Kei walked out and I looked at the swimsuits. They were pretty skimpy. I grabbed a tropical colored bikini and went in the other room to try it on. I struggled at first but managed to get it on OK. It fit perfectly. I grabbed a towel and a pair of sunglasses from the hook and walked toward the pool.
Once I was there I looked for the hottie a.k.a. Kei, but he was nowhere to be found. He must be in the bathroom or something. I walked to an empty beach chair by the pool. I lied down on the chair and put my sunglasses on.
I closed my eyes and was almost about to sleep when someone was blocking the sun. I opened my eyes to find Kei standing right in front of me.
“I can’t really get a good tan with you standing there,” I said.
He answered back “I know. It’s not a tan with sunburns. I brought some sunscreen for you.”
I started to get up but Kei pushed me back down.
“I’ll put it on.” Kei said looking down at me.
I lay back down and I felt the cold cream on my back. Kei rubbed the sunscreen on and it felt like a massage. He was good at that stuff. He motioned me to turn around and so I did with a little hesitation. He rubbed sunscreen on my stomach and it kinda tickled. I giggled a little bit then just like sat there. When Kei was done he pulled up a chair and took off his shirt. He lay down and was tanning him-self. His body was so gorgeous. He was tone all over and seemed like the kind of guy you wouldn’t want to be in a fight with. I looked at him and wondered again if he had a girlfriend. Well, by the way he looked, Kei was already taken. I closed my eyes and fell into a deep slumber.
When I woke up I was inside somewhere but you know I really don’t know where. It looked like my room but without the messy junk I filled it with in the last, what, two days!?!?!? I got it! I was in Kei’s room! OMG! I was on his bed too.
Kei walked out of the bathroom and said, “If you would of stayed out there any longer then you would look like…something really red,” He walked over to his dresser and put on a shirt. No!!! “I didn’t want to walk all the way to your room so I brought you here to my room.”
I looked at Kei and said “Um… thanks. But you could have woken me up I mean because I must weight a ton.”
“Well you weren’t the lightest thing but I managed to carry you without dropping you,” Kei said.
So I guess I need to loose a couple of pounds but that’s all right? I mean like I didn’t weigh like 200 pounds. Kei stood up to walk out the door.
“Where you going,” I asked.
“Out to lunch. Wanna come?” Kei said.
“Sure. But no spicy foods,” I giggled as I got up off the bed to go change.
I followed Kei to the parking lot to his car. We stopped at a black convertible Mustang GT! Now this, is a hot car, for a hot guy! We hopped in and drove off. As we drove down the highway, I got a glimpse of Kei. His jaw line was so hot. When I realized that I was still looking at him he looked at me and said, “What?”
“Oh nothing,” I lied.
We kept driving down the street until we slowed down to a halt.
We stopped in at this one Italian restaurant. We stepped inside and ordered lunch. We ordered the same thing! Wow! Kei and I do have things in common. Kei sat down at a booth and I followed as always. We started to eat and since he had bought my meal I was going to thank him when he cut me short.
“Oh you can go ahead,” Kei said.
“No you go ahead,” I said back to him.
“Ok,” he continued. “I was going to say that we’re going to have to keep training for another three weeks or so.”
“Oh well I was going to say thank you for buying my lunch today. It was so sweet of you,” I said.
I think he was blushing a little bit. It was sooooooooo cute! We ate our lunch occasionally talking about our schedule. I wonder how mom was doing. Oh my Gosh! MOM! I totally forgot about her! I know it sounds kinda mean but I did kinda forget about her. Opps.
“Um Kei. Do you think we could stop by my house later so I can tell my family how I’m doing?” I asked.
“Sure. We can go right after lunch,” he answered.
“Thanks. I meant to see her yesterday but I was side tracked and so… yeah,” I trailed off.
After we were done with our lunch we hopped in Kei’s car and drove off. We were silent in the car I don’t know why but I wasn’t very good at starting conversations so… I told him the directions and he was a fast learner.
Kei and I stopped in front of my house and I got out of the car to ring the doorbell. My mom, answered and hugged me.
“Mom I can’t breathe!” I said.
“Oh sorry. It’s just that I haven’t seen you in so long. Well it’s only been two days but you know,” My mom said.
“Where’s Cris?” I asked. Cris’s my older brother if you can’t figure it out.
Mom answered “Oh, well he went to the beach to go surfing I think.”
Mom took one look at Kei and whispered, “If he’s your new boyfriend, then he approves.”
“Mom!” I said. “Well, Mom this is Kei and he’s my manager.” I put a lot of strain on manager. “He’s going to be working with me during my modeling career.”
“Oh hi. Very nice to meet you Kei,” said Mom.
“Nice to meet you too,” Kei said back.
I said “Well, Mom we got to go so….”
“Oh ok well, I better let you go. If you didn’t I’d probably keep you till night,” Mom said and laughed.
“K Mom see you later.”
“Bye Miss Valentine.” I think Kei was trying to make a good impression.
So I guess we headed back to the modeling agency. Nothing to it. I brought my manager back to my house and he met my Mom and my Mom was embarrassing but you know that’s what Mom’s do. Now I gotta do more hard work. GREAT! AND THEN when I get tired, go to bed and wake up early in the morning to do MORE work. YAY!!! Not! Modeling is harder than I thought. Like a lot of people say: alls you have to do is smile! Ha ha! Please. They just think it looks so simple yeah right! But you know there’s all the hot guys you get to meet so I guess I need to stop complaining.
We got back to the modeling agency and I was exhausted! I know I didn’t do much but that’s the reason why I was exhausted. It was about 2:00 in the afternoon and I really didn’t want to work at the moment.
“Kei, do we really have to work when we get back?” I asked him.
“Well, I guess you can rest for a little bit but we need to get you into shape because Vogue magazine is expecting a new cover girl in a week or so.”
“Oh cool! I’m actually going to be on a cover of a magazine?! This is like totally awesome!!!!” I shouted.
I sounded kinda stupid but that’s ok. I mean imagine this: Me, on the cover of a magazine in one week. OMG!!!!! This is like soooooooo cool!!! Ahhhh ! I can’t wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Oh and Mai?” Kei said.
“Yeah,” I answered.
“There’s a party at my friends house tomorrow night and I was wondering if you wanted to come” he said
“I’d love to!” I blurted without thinking first. Yep, that’s me. Never thinkin’
Now it’s me, going to a party with Kei. YAY! Another happy thing that happened today! I was so excited that I didn’t even eat dinner and went straight to my hotel room, and for several hours I lay awake in my bed not able to sleep. How pathetic.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well, I can see some good ideas floating around in here, they just haven't been given a chance to fully develop. But that's why you posted it, right? Ha, lame joke. Anyway, to the critique!
Don't start anything with "The next morning" unless you're already well into your writing. It leaves the reader feeling confused as if they missed something in the story. It's a good strategy, but you simply need to word it differently. Like, erase the phrase and add in bits of flashbacks to the night before, or somethign similar. Also, I've noticed this throughout, but there's hardly any emotion of the characters. There's plenty of action but the reader really doesn't get a good glimpse of what's going on through the narrator's mind. Also, you have some grammar errors and run-on sentences that a little revising should help. Plus, exclamation marks (!) are a no-no unless someone is shouting or urgently trying to get another character's attention. Also, setting helps, and I'll develop on that next.
Okay, setting. Where the heck are these two? They go from the narrator's bedroom to a gym? Are they in a hotel? A dormitory? What? Give some detail to that because that doesn't make any sense. Also, the action of the narrator on the treadmill could use some detail, some emotion from the narrator. ANd "I think I was about to faint" jumps tense, a big no-no. Since the rest is in past tense, it should be "I thought I was about to faint." And typo alert, the second "hopped" is missing a p. Also, don't mention anything if you don't know what it is. If you don't know what it is, look it up. I think what you're referring to is the emergency stop cord, but research the technical term.
RUN ON! Bad. Break the quote into two or more sentences. Also, could should be can. Nix again at the end, too.
I like the emotion in this one. However, you used the wrong "your." It should be "you're." Also another run-on. Break it up.
Nix the exclamation point, a period will do just fine. Plus this paragraph jumps tense. Since this piece is in past tense, put it all into past tense. Don't go between the two.
Another run-on. You know what to do by now.
Spell out okay.
Jumps tense again. He must have been etc. etc.
It's "laid," dear. =)
"answered back" is redundant. Plus you need a comma after back in the first place.
Nix so.
Seriously...what?
Himself doesn't have a hyphen.
This is where Kei starts to seem a bit unbelievable. Okay, he's fit, tan, gorgeous, and probably has a . Too perfect. Give the man some flaws.
Ick. Just ick. First of all, never use chatspeak in writing. Once agian, don't use exclamation points. Don't do the ?!?!?!? thing either. Plus the rest is just run-ons. Break them up, reword them, add ginger, and stir.
The phrase is, "if you would have." Don't use exclamation points, let alone more than one when an exclamation point is actually appropriate. That's chatspeak. Chatspeak = bad grammar.
Run on, plus nix the t on the end of weigh.
Quit using like unless making a comparison. Lose has only one O, too. First sentence is also not a question. Third sentence should start a new paragraph, and the quote should end with a ? over a comma.
Period over exclamation mark. Both of them. This is another bit where Kei seems too perfect.
Where?
Still too not-realistic. And, nix the exclamation points again.
Only one O, and I'm going to start assuming you know what to do with the exclamation marks.
You're doing it again. Oops is two O's, not to P's, by the way.
This goes from talking about her whole family to just her mum. Inconsistency much? Yeah.
Run-on, nix the ellipsis (... in case you don't know the actuat term).
Comma go bye-bye. Add tight in at the end, too.
Comma say hello, after mum.
.
she said. In lower case and everything.
When a word or name ends in an S, you only put the apostrophe and not the second S.
I believe you mean, "then I approve."
Nix comma.
Spell K out. Either 'kay or okay.
Don't put the whole word in caps. Even if the person's shouting, only the first letter. It's annoying otherwise. Nix the... oh yeah, I said I wasn't going to bother.
Ahem.
Ahem, once again.
Get rid of the chatspeak and the !'s. And the extra O's on so. And when a word comes after a colon, don't capitalise it.
! alert.
Remember to never use chatspeak in your writing. Also, this reads a lot like an online roleplay between different people. Add emotion and detail, you can't leave the reader guessing, forming their own picture. The purpose of writing is to convey what's in your mind, not make people make worlds of their own because you didn't give that to them.
Overall, there's some ideas here that could be developed. Also, I can see this has potential to grow into something much larger and better. Give some more thought to development of both plot and characters, keep a close eye on your grammar, and make sure it makes sense.
Good luck.
-Saint Razorblade.